I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
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me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
good morning
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
❤️❤️❤️
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.