i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
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Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I wanna be friends with this person
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
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has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
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Lyonyl Rychye