I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
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just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
mood
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late