I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
You Might Also Like
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.