I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.