I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
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[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I cannot call her anything else now
I’m not average. I’m mean.