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The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

saving face 👀

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her