I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
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Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.