I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
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{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second