I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.