I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off