I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.


I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”


The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..


Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*


Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.


Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.


I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.


You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

And also a fork.


Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.


“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl