I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
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how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.