I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
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I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Proctology is located in A55
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn