Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

can’t wait til they legalize outside

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.