I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”