I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
You Might Also Like
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Science memes
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From