I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
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Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Beauty and the Beast
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.