I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
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If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that