I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
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American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu