I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
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Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.