I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
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EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.