Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.