I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
You Might Also Like
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need