I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
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*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Me too
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂