I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here