I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
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DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”