I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
You Might Also Like
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Canada has crack?
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My birth announcement for our third baby
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”