I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
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“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Weighing up my bread heating options
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement