I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
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Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this