I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
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“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?