I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter