I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
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I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Living the best life.. 😊