I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
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The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.