I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
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Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
sleeping beauty
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies