I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
You Might Also Like
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
No chill.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”