I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
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ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
ouch
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.