@AndyRichter

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

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@protolalia

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

@WilliamAder

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

@RobDenBleyker

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

@StruggleDisplay

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

@bourgeoisalien

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

@SirEviscerate

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

@AnecdtlBrthCtrl

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

@JordanPeele

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

@KingRainhead

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

@chetporter

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing