Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
You Might Also Like
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.