@protolalia Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
@AndyRichter Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
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@protolalia 
@WilliamAder People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
@RobDenBleyker Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
@StruggleDisplay Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
@bourgeoisalien If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
@SirEviscerate *pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
@AnecdtlBrthCtrl Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
@JordanPeele I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
@KingRainhead boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
@chetporter [dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing