I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
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[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber