I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Sunday
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself