I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
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Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
why does this building look like a guilty dog
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog