Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

How does one answer this?

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

This is I, Robot all over again

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great