Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
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Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one