I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
hey, alexa
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see