I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
You Might Also Like
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
What about second breakfast?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Only a mother’s love …
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Breaking news:
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Dune (2021)
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.