I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
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Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS