@blueeyesgreene

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

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@KrunkedRobot

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

@ObscureGent

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

@Gre_Gone

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

@carlyken

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

@DaddyJew

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

@david8hughes

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.