I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
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Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY