Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
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customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
So we got a goldfish…
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Only short people can save us
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.