Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

ㅤ

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy