I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
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I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Ah..makes sense now
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.