I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
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“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
“i am a sweet baby”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Meat Cute
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Become a minion. Get that bread.