I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing