I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
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Are these grass-fed oranges?
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder